Happy Fresh Year, you. Now onto less mundane matters.

Friday afternoon I’m in a Stanbic queue. Enter student dressed like some kind of G; some Lil Wayne wannabe. He proceeds to next counter where there’s this new young chick (probably fresh outta campus). Enquiries counter. Here’s what transpired:

Student: Good afternoon ma’am. I was told to fetch my ATM card today.
Ma’am: How long ago?
Student: About two weeks ago.
Ma’am: Okay, what’s your name?
Student: Saka Dick.
Ma’am: Excuse me!

Rest of story doesn’t matter. This is what I came here for:

The Devil has called for the 2009 Annual Demons Conference. It takes place every start of a new year. Today it’s at the famous Grimmers Hall in Hell’s capital, Evileden.

Somewhere in the crowd a female brushes through:

Female: Excuse me, passing through, oops sorry, excuse me. [She spots him a small distance away. That bastard! she shouts after him] Sarge? Sarge? Sargy!

Sargimamtusopion: Oh, hi baby. Come to papa.

Loquivamamian: Don’t baby me, you ass. How could you?

Sargy: [Somewhat confused] Now what?

Loqui: Now what? Now what? What’s this, huh? [Throws pic of some couple at him]

Sargy: [Mutters to self] Mathaf… [To her] Where in hell did you get this?

Loqui: Shirt pocket, asshole. While doing your laund…

Sargy: [Teleports to her and gags anything further she might have said] Ssshhh! If anyone finds out we have water, you and I are dead! Kappish? Now, about the pic; that’s my sister. From my other mother.

Loqui: You fucking liar!

Sargy: Of course I’m a liar, baby. And look who’s talking. Miss I’m-the-holiest. Remind me, you’re the demon of adultery, no?

[Drums]

Sargy: Ok, off you go. Shoo. He’s here.

A different somewhere in the crowd:

Man: Hi, I’m Lecktopazhisctck. Xaputomelian Lecktopazhisctck.

Man #2: Zipoleqaborini. But you can call me Zip. Not nice to meet you.

Leck: Wait, Zip? The famous Zip who invented zip codes and mobile phones so men could cheat on their wives and get away with it by lying about where they…

Zip: [Chuckles] You don’t have to spell it all out. Yes, that Zip. But I graduated from that task a long time ago. I’m now the demon of African elections.

Leck: Oh my Devil! I can’t believe I’m standing next to you. So you’re still the famous Zip who has kept Mugabe on for this long, given Kibaki another term, kept Somalia in turmoil and is now based in Ugan…

Zip: Sshh! You could get banished to heaven for revealing some stuff. But hey, thanks. I didn’t know I had such a big fan base.

Leck: Whoa, Zip. [Stares at him with great envy and offers sweaty palm] Not nice to meet you too. You know, I’m the Deputy Demon for Middle Eastern Affairs. [Assumes proud tone] We’re having an excellent start of the year. A few more Israeli bombs and I’m full D.M.E.A.

[Drums]

Zip: Good for you. Now shush. Here we go.

Behind a black transparent curtain a grand seat lifts out of the ground amidst loud merry music revealing a dark ugly figure. For a second the lights fail to illuminate figure.

Lucifer: [To self] And they say MTV makes the grandest stages. Pricks! [Lights on, then deafening applause from crowd] Thank you. Thank you. [Applause dies down] I damn you all in my name.

All in reverence: Aye, Sir. Thank you, Sir.

Lucifer: Now, today we mark the start of yet another battle year. We…hey, did someone kill the air con? It’s damn cool in here. [One of his bodyguards runs off stage. Continues] Last year we slacked and let the one of that name which…of whom whose name we…which name of which we…what the hell…you get the point. We don’t want the same thing this year now, do we? We must… [Blackout] …Did someone pay the power bills?

Demon of duplicity: No, Sir.

Lucifer: Good, now what’s the problem? [Power is turned back on] Now, where were we?… [Another blackout]

Somewhere in the crowd: Jesus!

To be continued…